there have been some life changes for my family & I the last month or two. //so much going on// and no Im not pregnant
It's made me think a lot about who I am and who has been apart my life. for good or bad I know I'm made up of those people who have touched my life.
there are some I'll will never forget and some who's memories seem to be melting away. some were important and others just important lessons. they've all had a part in shaping me.
lately I can't help but wonder //& hope// have I been as important to them (toanyone) as the people who have imprinted my life have been to me?
there are just some people who stay with you (change you) and make up a tiny part of who you are. the ones you love, the ones who have loved you I want to believe I make up a tiny part of the people who matter to me too. That I have had some kind of positive impact, I've helped them in some way. because as I move through this more challenging part of my life I'm finding out what matters to me.
We all have demons. Mine chase after me at night when the house falls quiet and my mind begins to rest. There in the shadows my demons lie, soft and beguiling, ready to ensnare. Doubt. Vanity. With furtive smiles and drumming fingertips they feast on my virtue until I am hollowed and empty.
I try to quench the demons with words of encouragement but that only feeds them. I attempt to outrun them in service but they never leave my side. I am embarrassed by them and thus my doubt is fed, giving birth to a vanity that grows and growls.
Being a woman is incredibly difficult. Isn't it though? We are conditioned from all sides to be perfection in form, tiny and lithe, shapely legs, slender torsos, elegant shoulders and graceful necks, youthful features and flowing hair. Inside we are ravaged by diets and worries, binges and purges, shopping and guilt, holding up our personal models on pedestals and knowing their perfection can never be reached because it never even existed. The failings that rage inside of me are inside of you all the same.
Being a woman is incredibly complex. To be so fragile, at the whim of a stronger man's desires, yet to be so strong, so capable of influence. In the juxtaposition we sometimes flounder, putting emphasis on what cannot be controlled and ignoring what positive change we can effect. I think all the time that I will be happy once this is tighter or that is slimmer. I will find peace when my hair lays a certain way or if I can just master the perfectly lined eye. I think that I can finally find myself in the right make up of exterior trimmings. The obvious truth is that this path leads nowhere and too far down this road and we will be lost to ourselves forever. It is obvious truth but sometimes I still can't see it.
Some days I want to trade it in and roam free as spirit instead. I want to escape my boundaries and be nothing but light and love, no visage to be seen but just feelings to impress. Or Heidi Klum. That could be good, too. This body of mine is just too constricting, too many limitations. My outsides will never do justice to my insides; my inner is smothered by the trappings of the outer. In moments where I catch myself fresh-faced and happy in reflection I also catch a terror that it will inevitably leave me; my face will retain water, my clothes will tug in the wrong parts, my color will wane, this cannot be, this cannot last.
Rather than find peace in the fallible of these bones and organs we often mistakenly assume the answer can still be found without.
And so we continue to search, but all we find are demons.
It never occurred to me until college to think about how my body really looked and when that thought sprung up in my head it never went away. In fact it just grew at an alarming rate. It's a constant battle.
“I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.”
first I got to spend some time at Keri's house. which included horses, last day of school for the kids, bath times, movies, baseball games, and packing up for AZ.
Keri and I took the kids to see Rio and baby B was mesmerized. It was so cute.
I was so glad I got to spend some time in Blanding. That little minuscule town has a special place in my heart. Then we trekked it down to Phoenix to meet up with the rest of the fam.
baby B was obsessed with the stairs at the hotel.
we seriously had such a blast just hanging out in the heat.
there was plenty of pool time too!
we went to babbo for dinner and stuffed our faces.
then brandon, skyler, brooklyn, and I hit up the carnival.
my brave lil sky had her ears pierced this trip, plus this was her first upside down roller coaster!
//a big day//
this thing was actually really intense. I wish I had gotten their faces on the way down.
this was crazzzzyyy. it was called the magic carpet.
I'm not kidding I almost lost it after 2 times. Sweet brooklyn went twice more because Sky could not get enough.
& there's a few instaxs for the road.
I'm SO glad we made it on this trip. It was so refreshing to be with the some of the fam.I wish they all could have been there.
On Sunday Spencer came up with the idea that we all sit in circle and go around and say one thing we love about each person. It was one of my favorite things we've done as a family. The best was when it was Keri's turn and Spenc says, "I like my mom because I think it's funny when we are all getting ready for church and running around and she says MIKE I HAVE TO DO MY HAIR", but with all the giggles were some truly tender moments and the room was filled with love. There were even some happy tears... it was something I'll never forget. For all the teasing that goes on in our family we do a pretty good job of taking care of each other.
I feel really blessed to be a member of my family.
"I believe in pink.
I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.
I believe in kissing, kissing a lot.
I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong.
I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.
I believe that tomorrow is another day
and I believe in miracles."
— Audrey Hepburn